Marriage and In-Laws (week 13)

When we get married we marry into a new family with new traditions and new ways of doing things. Sometimes our new in-laws can be demanding and unbending. Sometimes we are the ones who are difficult and stubbornly hold to the traditions and customs of our family of origin. For building a successful and happy marriage we must learn to love our new family. Understand that they are the ones who gave birth to and raised the one you now have vowed to love for all eternity. We should cleave to our spouse being supportive and faithful and we begin our own family traditions. But we do not need to forget our parents.

As a parent of married children, our relationship changes when they get married. We allow them to become independent of us and adapt our expectations on their time. It is more difficult than I thought it would be. When my son was married it was my first experience being a mother in-law. I had a much greater appreciation for my mother in-law, and some guilt. I wish I had been more patient and understanding. My mother and father in-law have both passed away.

When my grandson was born my daughter in-law allowed me to be in the room. It was so kind and thoughtful of her and it really made me feel bonded to her. It made me wish I had done the same for my mother in-law. She would have loved it. Had I been more mature I would have realized the great love she had for me and how much she wished to be close to me. I was young and foolish when I was married and had a difficult time letting go of my family of origin. 

My advice for newly married couples would be to establish boundaries but love and honor your parents. For parents of married children, allow your child to bond and cleave to their new spouse. As difficult as it is to relinquish being #1 in your son's or daughter's life, it is crucial for their happiness in their new relationship. You will find you did not loose a child but gained another. By giving them space your in-law will feel greater love for you and cherish your thoughtfulness and support.

Couples and Family Councils (week 12)

I am familiar with the use of couple and family councils. Before each family home evening (Monday nights) we have a brief unofficial family council where we coordinate family events and discuss or resolve any issues. Sometimes we have to call an official family council where we discuss things of a more serious nature. Some of these times have been when we have moved, when we decided to adopt and when we had some financial problems. Each of these events were preceded by a couple council. During the couple council we had discussed and decided what was best for us. We then present our decision to the family and ask them how they feel about it and if they have any suggestions or ideas for us. Everyone is allowed to express their feelings but never to yell or injure another person. In family councils the parents (us) have the final say in any decision.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints the presiding council is the First Presidency and next in Church authority and as a council is the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. We, as a church, rely on councils for solidarity and support. In M. Russel Ballards book on councils he quotes President Stephen L Richards, who said in 1953:

"I don't know that it is possible for any organization to succeed in the Church ...without adopting the genius of our Church government. What is that? As I conceive it, the genius of our Church government is government through councils. The Council of the Presidency, the Council of the Twelve, the Council of the Stake Presidency, or quorum, if you choose to use that word, the Council of the Bishopric, and the quorum [or] Council of the Quorum Presidency. I have had enough experience to know the value of councils. Hardly a day passes but that I see the wisdom, God's wisdom, in creating councils ... to govern his Kingdom. In the spirit under which we labor, men can get together with seemingly divergent views and far different backgrounds, and under the operation of that spirit, by counseling together, they can arrive at an accord, and that accord ... represents the wisdom of the council, acting under the Spirit." (In Conference Report, Oct. 1953, 86; emphasis in original)

He addresses things we strive to do in couple council, such as, coming together even when we have divergent views and backgrounds. Arriving at an agreement all the time acting under the Spirit. When we have the Spirit during a council we will not be tempted to raise our voices, get angry or force our will on another. If those things do happen during a council the Spirit will be forced to leave.

When having our own couple councils we can use the format that Elder Ballard suggest the Church councils follow. Of course we adjust it to our needs. The brethren meet each week in Salt Lake City and their council follows this format also. We don't necessarily need to be so formal as having an agenda but we can meet at an appointed time and address at the beginning what we would like to discuss. Express love and concern for each person. We should then officially begin with a prayer. One of us then initiates discussion of the problem or the current status of the decisions. Then open it up for an orderly discussion where each person, one at a time, can add their comments in turn. We keep focused on the discussion until consensus is reached. Then move forward in unity. We can end with having a snack or some other unifying tradition. 

I have seen this format work in my marriage when we have important decisions to make as a couple. Many times it is preceded by fasting and prayer. When we were contemplating adopting 2 of our children we did this more than one time. We came to the conclusion as a couple that this was the right thing to do and brought our decision to our children in a family council. We allowed them to express their feelings and asked them whether they were for or against this decision. It would only work if there was an overall consensus since it affected all of them. Everyone was in agreement that these 2 children were meant to be with us. Councils have given our family strength and support just as they do for the Church. 

Safeguarding Marriage (WEEK 11)

Trouble in marriage almost always begins in our minds through the things we choose to think about. We allow fantasies to take residence in our minds and they quickly move to our hearts. I doubt many people set out with the intention to have a romantic relationship with someone outside of their marriage. It usually grows from an innocent friendship with someone of the opposite sex. This relationship may be with a person whom we work with, a neighbor or even someone from our church with whom we discuss spiritual topics. 

The trouble begins when that person gains a place in our hearts and minds. We start to make excuses for the time we spend with them. We go to lunch or meet somewhere to talk and text or call the person while at home. In his book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, Goddard explained,

"The devil's methods for tricking us are predictable. Trouble starts with behaviors that seem very innocent. We do good, helpful things: supporting a troubled neighbor, sharing gospel ideas with a ward member, working closely with another person on a ward activity, listening to the troubles of a co-worker. All of these kindnesses are good. But the trouble begins as a person starts to feel responsible or very close to someone who is not his or her marriage partner. An affection is growing that claims part of the heart that belongs only to the spouse."

He also reminds us of the covenants we make with God when we are married. We covenanted to avoid all sexual relations outside of marriage. This not only includes physical relationships but also any romantic relationship, even those that are only mental or emotional.

With the increase in social media, it is easy for us to find old flames or chat with members of the opposite sex. This can begin innocently but easily can become a distraction from the one who should have our whole heart and attention.

I have a girlfriend who accepted a friend request from an old high school boyfriend on Facebook. He then said hello and asked how her life was now. They messaged back and forth for a while and caught up on their lives since high school. Then he started to reminisce about the past adventures they had together. This brought up feelings she had not thought about for years. She began to think of all the sweet memories she had of him, all the fun, happy, carefree times and the many qualities she had loved about him. These memories and daydreams made her feel dissatisfied with her life now and with her husband. Fortunately she quickly realized her mistake. She prayed to Heavenly Father to help her control her thoughts and she never responded to the past boyfriend again. 

Something that begins innocently can quickly turn to emotional, mental or physical infidelity if we are not alert to signs of danger and monitoring our behavior. I may be a bit extreme, but I don't believe men and women can be friends unless your spouse is included in that friendship. I do not text or call any men (unless for church business) nor do I chat with any on social media. This may be extreme but I choose to give my sweet companion all the loyalty and spousal trust I can. He is my one and only best friend. Why would I need another?

The Struggle (week 10)

Most couples are convinced that if they could change that one irritating thing that their partner does (or two or three) then they would be perfectly happy in their marriage. The truth is that the problem is not our partner, most of the time marital problems can be repaired by our hearts changing. The greatest struggle in marriage is not the flaws of our partner, it is overcoming our own flaws.

Even if we were to put all our effort into fixing ourselves and our marriages, we would still come up short. We cannot do it on our own. Luckily, we don't have to. As we submit our will to our Heavenly Father, we ask Him to make up the difference. He then heals our hearts. He enables us to act more charitably and with grace and humility. He strengthens even the weakest among us, even the weakest marriages, and helps us to see our partner as He does.

This may sound easy but it isn't. We are weak and selfish humans. Our natural human instinct is to fight against unselfish Christlike love. One of my favorite quotes is from President Gordon B. Hinckley, he said, 

I like it because it's real. Its not the flowery, fluffy romantic nonsense that one might find in the words of a song or portrayed in a movie. Love is unselfish concern for someone other than oneself, period. That may not be what a new couple wants to hear but it is how their love will continue to grow and deepen. 

A Consecrated Marriage (week 9)

Society teaches us that we should have equality in marriage. This is a myth. Believing that things will be an even 50-50 split will quickly make any couple unhappy as they track and tally every action of their spouse. The remedy for this is choosing to have a consecrated marriage. One might ask, what is a consecrated marriage and what does it look like? 

Elder Neil A Maxwell described consecrations this way, "Consecration is the only surrender which is also a victory. It brings release from the raucous, overpopulated cell block of selfishness and emancipation from the dark prison of pride."

Consecrating ourselves to God and turning over our lives to Him makes our life so much better. This is also true when it involves our chosen eternal companion. Consecration means we gladly give our best to our partner and we appreciate all that they offer. When they don't happen to meet all of our needs we approach them humbly and invite then to assist us. 

In his book Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, Goddard says, "Rather than carefully tracking every investment in our marriage, we give gladly and wholeheartedly. We give everything we have and are. And we ask God to increase our capacity so we can give yet more."

In my marriage I struggle to shake off pride and selfishness. I focus on the small things that irritate me sometimes. Here is a silly example. I like to set the table with matching plates, cups and silverware (I know! Not that important!) Well hubs doesn't like to use a glass cup. He thinks it makes his drink warm (insert eye roll). Well, I was in Walmart the other day and noticed these lovely metal insulated cups and bought him one. Silly, I know, but he was thrilled. Cold milk and a happy wife as we all drink from our matching insulated wine glasses! 

                           

By small and simple steps we consecrate ourselves and move from thinking how our needs should be met to how we can bless and serve our spouse. Goddard concludes, "Those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories. They are building an eternal relationship one brick at a time."

Pride and Influence in Marriage (week 8)

When someone tells me what to do or suggests I need to change in some way, my immediate response is to resist and do the opposite of what they want. I hate being told what to do. I think most of us do. I think it's our natural instinct or what we also call the "natural man" (or the worldly side) in all of us. Not being willing to accept the influence of our spouse or change can be the cause of difficulties in marriage.

In John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he explains how accepting influence is an attitude and a skill that we can perfect if we pay attention to how we relate to our spouse. When we have a conflict we need to be willing to compromise by searching our spouses request for some part we can agree to. Smart husbands and wives learn that we need to yield in order to win.

Gottman points out that this is most difficult for men. But doesn't let the ladies off the hook. I know I struggle with yielding and change more than my hubby does. Gottman uses a simple example of putting the toilet seat down, which any married couple can relate to. Every wife hates it and every husband probably thinks "what is the big deal, it only takes a half a second for you to drop it down". But the smart husband knows that when yielding to this request he wins big with his wife.

So what is the reason we resist changing for or yielding to the requests of our partner? I believe it is pride. Pride, as explained by President Ezra Taft Benson, is more than just self-centeredness, boastfulness or arrogance. Pride is enmity toward God and our fellowmen. Our will in competition to God's will. The proud do not accept God's authority to give them direction in their lives. It is easy to see how being unbending to God's will carries over into being unwilling to bend to the will of our spouse. The way to combat pride is through repentance. Having a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Being meek, submissive and humble. Our marriages are strengthened when we bend to God's will and the will of our companions.

"Beware of Pride" President Ezra T. Benson. Ensign, May 1989, 4-7

Turning Toward Each Other by Turning to the Savior (week 7)

Here is a sad truth about me. I am no dream to live with. I may seem sweet as can be and you will probably never hear me yell but I have a stubborn streak that is just as forceful as any screaming match. One might say I'm passive aggressive. And, how can I admit this graciously, I tend to be a bit...moody. My poor husband usually doesn't know what he is walking into when he comes home. Bless his heart. I love to be right, which I usually am! I know you are now feeling sorry for my dear hubby. I'm right there with you. So are my parents! HA! Ya, I was not an easy teenager to raise. The good news in all of this self deprecation is that I can learn and I can change. Most of what I have learned about relationships wasn't from books but was taught to me by the example of a patient and loving companion.

My husband is a natural at this marriage thing. He easily turns toward me all the time. He lives to please me. Anything I ask of I'm he will do and do it happily. When he does something that hurts my feelings or is thoughtless and I confront him on it he is always very apologetic and does whatever he can to make it right. He has never read any book on marriage, communication or conflict resolution. I don't think he has ever read a self help book. 

So what is it that makes him an expert at solving relationship problems? Issues and problems that experts with Phd's have written countless books about. I believe it is because he is one of the most Christlike people I know. Developing Christlike attributes will help us in all our relationships but they are especially helpful in marriage. These attributes such as: long suffering, which helps us be patient with our spouses imperfections and not criticizing them. Also being kind and not easily provoked. That one is a no brainer. Being slow to anger and being kind to our spouse solves the majority of relationship issues, I think. How about the attributes of thinking no evil and rejoicing not in iniquity but in truth. Being honest, moral, without judgment and respectful has helped me to always trust my husband and to be confident in his moral character. 

I have learned much from books and classes on marriage and relationships. I enjoy reading them and applying the principles. The absolute best self help books I have read are the words of the prophets and the scriptures. By reading The New Testament and The Book of Mormon I have come to know the life and teachings of Jesus Christ. The more I align my life with His, the better eternal companion, mother, sister, daughter and friend I have become. I may not be a natural like my hubby but I am getting there.

Enhancing Love Maps (week 6)

A few months ago I had a full blown melt down. Things have been crazy in our family life the past couple years and we (my husband and I) have been in crisis mode. Of course my hubby was the one I chose to melt down on. It seems like we always go to the one who loves us no matter what, that we feel safest with to let them have it. I informed him that he did not know me at all and had no idea how I was feeling or thinking. I said the unthinkable, "We aren't even friends anymore." Of course he is my best friend but something felt like it was missing.

It was easy to fall into a routine and just assume we knew what was going on with the other. After being married for 26 years one might think you know everything about each other. But people change and evolve. We have hopes and dreams and worries and fears. We question things we used to be so sure about. If we aren't constantly asking open ended questions of our loved one, striving to know and staying deeply connected, we can drift apart. Even when we live in the same house, eat meals together each day and sleep in the same bed each night. 

The solution is to start your marriage with a detailed love map. This is advice from Dr. John Gottman. He says a love map is the term he uses for the part of the brain that stores relevant info about your loved ones life. Having a detailed love map means we are intimately familiar with our partners world. I feel like hubs and I started out that way. Heck that's how we have weathered 8 kids and 26 years together! But what I was telling him that day of my emotional melt down was we needed to enhance our love map. I hadn't read John Gottman's book yet but thats exactly what our marriage needed and what I was wanting. I needed to feel like we understand each other, where we are now, today, intimately. I wanted to feel that we were emotionally reconnected. We have made a few adjustments, such as, going to bed at the same time and having heartfelt talks each night before going to sleep. We are now greeting each other warmly when he walks in the door from work instead of me slamming him with all the yucky stuff that has happened during my day. We now enjoy catching up while we fix dinner together.

Friendship in marriage is the key to success in marriage (week 5)

When I was newly married I had idyllic views of how my married life should be. Everyone told me that happily married couples didn't fight. Older married couples would tell me that they have never had an argument or yelled at each other. Imagine my disappointment when Doyle and I had our first disagreement. Somehow disagreement sounds nicer than argument or the even scarier word...fight. I thought we must not be compatible. He should see things how I do and agree with my ideas. When I ask him to pick up milk at the store he should know I mean skim milk, how does he not know thats what I drink.

How can two people who come from completely different backgrounds not have any conflict? Its virtually impossible and frankly, unreasonable. Unless you are a doormat, you can guarantee that you and your companion will not see eye to eye on some things. The interesting thing is that John M. Gottman, author of the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, said that conflict is not the problem. Its how we handle it that matters. The most important component in a successful marriage is friendship. How we speak to each other. Issues arise when we let, what Gottman calls, the four horseman slip into our conversations and attitudes towards each other. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. We all do them at times to some extent I imagine. When we do hopefully our friendship is strong enough to recognize where the conversation is headed use a repair attempt and the other person to accept the repair attempt. All the active listening and "I" sentences taught to us by marriage counselors will not repair a broken marriage if the couple does not build a strong friendship that is attuned to the needs of the other person. 

Doyle and I still have "disagreements." He is my best friend and trusted partner in crime! Our discussions usually end with both of us laughing or sometimes crying. We go to bed each night with our friendship intact and so grateful to go through this life holding on to each other.

Genograms (week 4)

This week I made a genogram. You might be thinking what is a genogram and why would you want to make one or for what purpose. A genogram charts the marital history in your family of origin. My chart shows three generations of marital patterns. It starts with my grandparents and moves down the line to me. This helps me understand my families pattern and how they are likely to affect my relationship with my spouse.

Here is an example of what a genogram looks like:

I come from grandparents on both sides who were married over fifty years. All of their children except for one are also married to their first spouse. And I only have 1 cousin who is divorced. In my family, two of my sisters have broken marriages, one was annulled and one divorced. Surprisingly few in a 3 generation family. I would also add that all of the divorces are not by my family members choice.

Someone might think we just got lucky. Or it is because we are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and know that marriages are eternal and families are sealed for eternity. I don't believe either of these are the case here. My parents converted shortly after being married and there are no other members in either of their families. I believe its a pattern set long ago. My grandparents and their parents and their parents before them began a legacy of sticking together through good and bad times. Is it genetic? I don't think so. I believe its a choice. My family tree isn't devoid of mental disorders, addictions, adultery or even law breakers. All of my ancestors had weaknesses and trials to overcome. Did they choose their spouses well? Perhaps. Or they just chose to overlook the annoyances and shortcomings, to forgive and let go, to be loyal and hardworking, to love fiercely and always put family first. 

If your genogram looks different than mine, if it is filled with broken lines and heartbreak, does that mean you are also destined to continue on the same path as your ancestors? NO. We can change the pattern of our genogram. We can start to chart our own genogram beginning with us and be the solid chain that links our children and grandchildren. We can be the example of a new family pattern of love, loyalty and strength for future generations to follow.