Friendship in marriage is the key to success in marriage (week 5)

When I was newly married I had idyllic views of how my married life should be. Everyone told me that happily married couples didn't fight. Older married couples would tell me that they have never had an argument or yelled at each other. Imagine my disappointment when Doyle and I had our first disagreement. Somehow disagreement sounds nicer than argument or the even scarier word...fight. I thought we must not be compatible. He should see things how I do and agree with my ideas. When I ask him to pick up milk at the store he should know I mean skim milk, how does he not know thats what I drink.

How can two people who come from completely different backgrounds not have any conflict? Its virtually impossible and frankly, unreasonable. Unless you are a doormat, you can guarantee that you and your companion will not see eye to eye on some things. The interesting thing is that John M. Gottman, author of the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, said that conflict is not the problem. Its how we handle it that matters. The most important component in a successful marriage is friendship. How we speak to each other. Issues arise when we let, what Gottman calls, the four horseman slip into our conversations and attitudes towards each other. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. We all do them at times to some extent I imagine. When we do hopefully our friendship is strong enough to recognize where the conversation is headed use a repair attempt and the other person to accept the repair attempt. All the active listening and "I" sentences taught to us by marriage counselors will not repair a broken marriage if the couple does not build a strong friendship that is attuned to the needs of the other person. 

Doyle and I still have "disagreements." He is my best friend and trusted partner in crime! Our discussions usually end with both of us laughing or sometimes crying. We go to bed each night with our friendship intact and so grateful to go through this life holding on to each other.