Pride and Influence in Marriage (week 8)

When someone tells me what to do or suggests I need to change in some way, my immediate response is to resist and do the opposite of what they want. I hate being told what to do. I think most of us do. I think it's our natural instinct or what we also call the "natural man" (or the worldly side) in all of us. Not being willing to accept the influence of our spouse or change can be the cause of difficulties in marriage.

In John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he explains how accepting influence is an attitude and a skill that we can perfect if we pay attention to how we relate to our spouse. When we have a conflict we need to be willing to compromise by searching our spouses request for some part we can agree to. Smart husbands and wives learn that we need to yield in order to win.

Gottman points out that this is most difficult for men. But doesn't let the ladies off the hook. I know I struggle with yielding and change more than my hubby does. Gottman uses a simple example of putting the toilet seat down, which any married couple can relate to. Every wife hates it and every husband probably thinks "what is the big deal, it only takes a half a second for you to drop it down". But the smart husband knows that when yielding to this request he wins big with his wife.

So what is the reason we resist changing for or yielding to the requests of our partner? I believe it is pride. Pride, as explained by President Ezra Taft Benson, is more than just self-centeredness, boastfulness or arrogance. Pride is enmity toward God and our fellowmen. Our will in competition to God's will. The proud do not accept God's authority to give them direction in their lives. It is easy to see how being unbending to God's will carries over into being unwilling to bend to the will of our spouse. The way to combat pride is through repentance. Having a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Being meek, submissive and humble. Our marriages are strengthened when we bend to God's will and the will of our companions.

"Beware of Pride" President Ezra T. Benson. Ensign, May 1989, 4-7