Safeguarding Marriage (WEEK 11)

Trouble in marriage almost always begins in our minds through the things we choose to think about. We allow fantasies to take residence in our minds and they quickly move to our hearts. I doubt many people set out with the intention to have a romantic relationship with someone outside of their marriage. It usually grows from an innocent friendship with someone of the opposite sex. This relationship may be with a person whom we work with, a neighbor or even someone from our church with whom we discuss spiritual topics. 

The trouble begins when that person gains a place in our hearts and minds. We start to make excuses for the time we spend with them. We go to lunch or meet somewhere to talk and text or call the person while at home. In his book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, Goddard explained,

"The devil's methods for tricking us are predictable. Trouble starts with behaviors that seem very innocent. We do good, helpful things: supporting a troubled neighbor, sharing gospel ideas with a ward member, working closely with another person on a ward activity, listening to the troubles of a co-worker. All of these kindnesses are good. But the trouble begins as a person starts to feel responsible or very close to someone who is not his or her marriage partner. An affection is growing that claims part of the heart that belongs only to the spouse."

He also reminds us of the covenants we make with God when we are married. We covenanted to avoid all sexual relations outside of marriage. This not only includes physical relationships but also any romantic relationship, even those that are only mental or emotional.

With the increase in social media, it is easy for us to find old flames or chat with members of the opposite sex. This can begin innocently but easily can become a distraction from the one who should have our whole heart and attention.

I have a girlfriend who accepted a friend request from an old high school boyfriend on Facebook. He then said hello and asked how her life was now. They messaged back and forth for a while and caught up on their lives since high school. Then he started to reminisce about the past adventures they had together. This brought up feelings she had not thought about for years. She began to think of all the sweet memories she had of him, all the fun, happy, carefree times and the many qualities she had loved about him. These memories and daydreams made her feel dissatisfied with her life now and with her husband. Fortunately she quickly realized her mistake. She prayed to Heavenly Father to help her control her thoughts and she never responded to the past boyfriend again. 

Something that begins innocently can quickly turn to emotional, mental or physical infidelity if we are not alert to signs of danger and monitoring our behavior. I may be a bit extreme, but I don't believe men and women can be friends unless your spouse is included in that friendship. I do not text or call any men (unless for church business) nor do I chat with any on social media. This may be extreme but I choose to give my sweet companion all the loyalty and spousal trust I can. He is my one and only best friend. Why would I need another?

The Struggle (week 10)

Most couples are convinced that if they could change that one irritating thing that their partner does (or two or three) then they would be perfectly happy in their marriage. The truth is that the problem is not our partner, most of the time marital problems can be repaired by our hearts changing. The greatest struggle in marriage is not the flaws of our partner, it is overcoming our own flaws.

Even if we were to put all our effort into fixing ourselves and our marriages, we would still come up short. We cannot do it on our own. Luckily, we don't have to. As we submit our will to our Heavenly Father, we ask Him to make up the difference. He then heals our hearts. He enables us to act more charitably and with grace and humility. He strengthens even the weakest among us, even the weakest marriages, and helps us to see our partner as He does.

This may sound easy but it isn't. We are weak and selfish humans. Our natural human instinct is to fight against unselfish Christlike love. One of my favorite quotes is from President Gordon B. Hinckley, he said, 

I like it because it's real. Its not the flowery, fluffy romantic nonsense that one might find in the words of a song or portrayed in a movie. Love is unselfish concern for someone other than oneself, period. That may not be what a new couple wants to hear but it is how their love will continue to grow and deepen. 

A Consecrated Marriage (week 9)

Society teaches us that we should have equality in marriage. This is a myth. Believing that things will be an even 50-50 split will quickly make any couple unhappy as they track and tally every action of their spouse. The remedy for this is choosing to have a consecrated marriage. One might ask, what is a consecrated marriage and what does it look like? 

Elder Neil A Maxwell described consecrations this way, "Consecration is the only surrender which is also a victory. It brings release from the raucous, overpopulated cell block of selfishness and emancipation from the dark prison of pride."

Consecrating ourselves to God and turning over our lives to Him makes our life so much better. This is also true when it involves our chosen eternal companion. Consecration means we gladly give our best to our partner and we appreciate all that they offer. When they don't happen to meet all of our needs we approach them humbly and invite then to assist us. 

In his book Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, Goddard says, "Rather than carefully tracking every investment in our marriage, we give gladly and wholeheartedly. We give everything we have and are. And we ask God to increase our capacity so we can give yet more."

In my marriage I struggle to shake off pride and selfishness. I focus on the small things that irritate me sometimes. Here is a silly example. I like to set the table with matching plates, cups and silverware (I know! Not that important!) Well hubs doesn't like to use a glass cup. He thinks it makes his drink warm (insert eye roll). Well, I was in Walmart the other day and noticed these lovely metal insulated cups and bought him one. Silly, I know, but he was thrilled. Cold milk and a happy wife as we all drink from our matching insulated wine glasses! 

                           

By small and simple steps we consecrate ourselves and move from thinking how our needs should be met to how we can bless and serve our spouse. Goddard concludes, "Those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories. They are building an eternal relationship one brick at a time."

Pride and Influence in Marriage (week 8)

When someone tells me what to do or suggests I need to change in some way, my immediate response is to resist and do the opposite of what they want. I hate being told what to do. I think most of us do. I think it's our natural instinct or what we also call the "natural man" (or the worldly side) in all of us. Not being willing to accept the influence of our spouse or change can be the cause of difficulties in marriage.

In John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he explains how accepting influence is an attitude and a skill that we can perfect if we pay attention to how we relate to our spouse. When we have a conflict we need to be willing to compromise by searching our spouses request for some part we can agree to. Smart husbands and wives learn that we need to yield in order to win.

Gottman points out that this is most difficult for men. But doesn't let the ladies off the hook. I know I struggle with yielding and change more than my hubby does. Gottman uses a simple example of putting the toilet seat down, which any married couple can relate to. Every wife hates it and every husband probably thinks "what is the big deal, it only takes a half a second for you to drop it down". But the smart husband knows that when yielding to this request he wins big with his wife.

So what is the reason we resist changing for or yielding to the requests of our partner? I believe it is pride. Pride, as explained by President Ezra Taft Benson, is more than just self-centeredness, boastfulness or arrogance. Pride is enmity toward God and our fellowmen. Our will in competition to God's will. The proud do not accept God's authority to give them direction in their lives. It is easy to see how being unbending to God's will carries over into being unwilling to bend to the will of our spouse. The way to combat pride is through repentance. Having a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Being meek, submissive and humble. Our marriages are strengthened when we bend to God's will and the will of our companions.

"Beware of Pride" President Ezra T. Benson. Ensign, May 1989, 4-7

Turning Toward Each Other by Turning to the Savior (week 7)

Here is a sad truth about me. I am no dream to live with. I may seem sweet as can be and you will probably never hear me yell but I have a stubborn streak that is just as forceful as any screaming match. One might say I'm passive aggressive. And, how can I admit this graciously, I tend to be a bit...moody. My poor husband usually doesn't know what he is walking into when he comes home. Bless his heart. I love to be right, which I usually am! I know you are now feeling sorry for my dear hubby. I'm right there with you. So are my parents! HA! Ya, I was not an easy teenager to raise. The good news in all of this self deprecation is that I can learn and I can change. Most of what I have learned about relationships wasn't from books but was taught to me by the example of a patient and loving companion.

My husband is a natural at this marriage thing. He easily turns toward me all the time. He lives to please me. Anything I ask of I'm he will do and do it happily. When he does something that hurts my feelings or is thoughtless and I confront him on it he is always very apologetic and does whatever he can to make it right. He has never read any book on marriage, communication or conflict resolution. I don't think he has ever read a self help book. 

So what is it that makes him an expert at solving relationship problems? Issues and problems that experts with Phd's have written countless books about. I believe it is because he is one of the most Christlike people I know. Developing Christlike attributes will help us in all our relationships but they are especially helpful in marriage. These attributes such as: long suffering, which helps us be patient with our spouses imperfections and not criticizing them. Also being kind and not easily provoked. That one is a no brainer. Being slow to anger and being kind to our spouse solves the majority of relationship issues, I think. How about the attributes of thinking no evil and rejoicing not in iniquity but in truth. Being honest, moral, without judgment and respectful has helped me to always trust my husband and to be confident in his moral character. 

I have learned much from books and classes on marriage and relationships. I enjoy reading them and applying the principles. The absolute best self help books I have read are the words of the prophets and the scriptures. By reading The New Testament and The Book of Mormon I have come to know the life and teachings of Jesus Christ. The more I align my life with His, the better eternal companion, mother, sister, daughter and friend I have become. I may not be a natural like my hubby but I am getting there.