Enhancing Love Maps (week 6)

A few months ago I had a full blown melt down. Things have been crazy in our family life the past couple years and we (my husband and I) have been in crisis mode. Of course my hubby was the one I chose to melt down on. It seems like we always go to the one who loves us no matter what, that we feel safest with to let them have it. I informed him that he did not know me at all and had no idea how I was feeling or thinking. I said the unthinkable, "We aren't even friends anymore." Of course he is my best friend but something felt like it was missing.

It was easy to fall into a routine and just assume we knew what was going on with the other. After being married for 26 years one might think you know everything about each other. But people change and evolve. We have hopes and dreams and worries and fears. We question things we used to be so sure about. If we aren't constantly asking open ended questions of our loved one, striving to know and staying deeply connected, we can drift apart. Even when we live in the same house, eat meals together each day and sleep in the same bed each night. 

The solution is to start your marriage with a detailed love map. This is advice from Dr. John Gottman. He says a love map is the term he uses for the part of the brain that stores relevant info about your loved ones life. Having a detailed love map means we are intimately familiar with our partners world. I feel like hubs and I started out that way. Heck that's how we have weathered 8 kids and 26 years together! But what I was telling him that day of my emotional melt down was we needed to enhance our love map. I hadn't read John Gottman's book yet but thats exactly what our marriage needed and what I was wanting. I needed to feel like we understand each other, where we are now, today, intimately. I wanted to feel that we were emotionally reconnected. We have made a few adjustments, such as, going to bed at the same time and having heartfelt talks each night before going to sleep. We are now greeting each other warmly when he walks in the door from work instead of me slamming him with all the yucky stuff that has happened during my day. We now enjoy catching up while we fix dinner together.

Friendship in marriage is the key to success in marriage (week 5)

When I was newly married I had idyllic views of how my married life should be. Everyone told me that happily married couples didn't fight. Older married couples would tell me that they have never had an argument or yelled at each other. Imagine my disappointment when Doyle and I had our first disagreement. Somehow disagreement sounds nicer than argument or the even scarier word...fight. I thought we must not be compatible. He should see things how I do and agree with my ideas. When I ask him to pick up milk at the store he should know I mean skim milk, how does he not know thats what I drink.

How can two people who come from completely different backgrounds not have any conflict? Its virtually impossible and frankly, unreasonable. Unless you are a doormat, you can guarantee that you and your companion will not see eye to eye on some things. The interesting thing is that John M. Gottman, author of the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, said that conflict is not the problem. Its how we handle it that matters. The most important component in a successful marriage is friendship. How we speak to each other. Issues arise when we let, what Gottman calls, the four horseman slip into our conversations and attitudes towards each other. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. We all do them at times to some extent I imagine. When we do hopefully our friendship is strong enough to recognize where the conversation is headed use a repair attempt and the other person to accept the repair attempt. All the active listening and "I" sentences taught to us by marriage counselors will not repair a broken marriage if the couple does not build a strong friendship that is attuned to the needs of the other person. 

Doyle and I still have "disagreements." He is my best friend and trusted partner in crime! Our discussions usually end with both of us laughing or sometimes crying. We go to bed each night with our friendship intact and so grateful to go through this life holding on to each other.

Genograms (week 4)

This week I made a genogram. You might be thinking what is a genogram and why would you want to make one or for what purpose. A genogram charts the marital history in your family of origin. My chart shows three generations of marital patterns. It starts with my grandparents and moves down the line to me. This helps me understand my families pattern and how they are likely to affect my relationship with my spouse.

Here is an example of what a genogram looks like:

I come from grandparents on both sides who were married over fifty years. All of their children except for one are also married to their first spouse. And I only have 1 cousin who is divorced. In my family, two of my sisters have broken marriages, one was annulled and one divorced. Surprisingly few in a 3 generation family. I would also add that all of the divorces are not by my family members choice.

Someone might think we just got lucky. Or it is because we are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and know that marriages are eternal and families are sealed for eternity. I don't believe either of these are the case here. My parents converted shortly after being married and there are no other members in either of their families. I believe its a pattern set long ago. My grandparents and their parents and their parents before them began a legacy of sticking together through good and bad times. Is it genetic? I don't think so. I believe its a choice. My family tree isn't devoid of mental disorders, addictions, adultery or even law breakers. All of my ancestors had weaknesses and trials to overcome. Did they choose their spouses well? Perhaps. Or they just chose to overlook the annoyances and shortcomings, to forgive and let go, to be loyal and hardworking, to love fiercely and always put family first. 

If your genogram looks different than mine, if it is filled with broken lines and heartbreak, does that mean you are also destined to continue on the same path as your ancestors? NO. We can change the pattern of our genogram. We can start to chart our own genogram beginning with us and be the solid chain that links our children and grandchildren. We can be the example of a new family pattern of love, loyalty and strength for future generations to follow.  

Sacred Nature of Marriage (week 3)

The past few days I have been reading the summary of the ruling that legalized gay marriage. It states the majority's opinion and that of the dissent in the Supreme Courts decision on Overgefell v. Hodges (2015). It is quite long and a little wordy. As I read the majority's opinion I felt great sympathy for the same-sex couples, the petitioners, and could understand their desire to have their relationships validated and legalized and be able to have legal parental rights to their children. I have great compassion for them and their situations. I felt that I agree with and support the majority after reading the first half of the summary, which gives the reasons for the majority's decision.

Then I began to read the dissent. Each of the dissenting judges, Roberts, Scalia, Thomas and Alito, wrote logical, reasoned and compelling arguments. They opened my eyes to what I had not considered before. They each wrote about how the decision took away the rights of States and of the people to decide if they want to allow same-sex marriage to be legalized based on democratic means. This would be through popular vote or through our representative government.

Each of the judges also expressed concern over the effects this could have on religious organizations and people of faith who support traditional marriage.

One point brought up Judge Roberts is that marriage (between man and woman) has been around since the beginning of time. He wrote that it is not a historical coincidence that marriage between men and women arose. It is because of a vital need to conceive children and to ensure they have a father and a mother who are committed to raise them. In order to survive as a human race we must procreate and its best for children to have both a mother and a father who stay together. Marriage is also a religious institution not simply a governmental institution.

Judge Alito expressed a concern that I also share. He wrote on the long term ramifications of legalizing same-sex marriage. No one can know this because there is no precedence. Also that people who do not agree with this ruling will be vilified and be made to speak of it in whispers behind closed doors for fear of being labeled bigots.

I believe the words of the prophet President Nelson. He said in a BYU commencement address August 14, 2014, "God is the Father of all men and women. They are His children. It was He who ordained marriage as the union of a man and a woman. Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators. It was not created by think tanks or by popular vote or by oft-quoted bloggers or by pundits. It was not created by lobbyists. Marriage was created by God!"

I believe in the sacred nature of marriage and in the words of The Family: A Proclamation to the World by the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It states, "We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife."

I also believe that we are to love and be kind to all people! Especially those who do not believe or live as we do. God loves all His children the same, equally and without prejudice. We can have different views and still love and respect our family, friends and fellow Americans. I love and adore my oldest daughter. She is married to a woman. They are the sweetest and kindest women you could ever be lucky enough to associate with. They just celebrated their one year anniversary. Also, they are in the process of adopting. I couldn't be more excited to be a grandma again. We love them and love having them in our home. They are a cherished part of our family.